4 years

Four years can be a lifetime, a minute, or something in between. For the high school student, four years seems like it will never end. There will be no end to the 4 years of sitting at that desk and taking all those tests. 4 years to the couple waiting to adopt or having fertility issues can seem like a lifetime. Four years, to a mother seems like it is so quick. Four years to a friend whom you haven't spoken to can seem like ages. In a matter of four years, everything that you thought you knew can change and people you thought you knew aren't who you thought. Four years can be the blink of an eye, or eternity.

My four years without my big brother have been the most difficult of my life. On one hand it has went way too fast. My children are so much bigger now than they were four years ago. One wasn't even a twinkle in this mama's eye. I have felt like I have had to forge my way ahead without any guidance or without any sounding board or having the protection you feel from a big "bad" brother.

My life will never be the same without Mike in it. There is an empty spot in my heart and life that will never be filled. He was the tormenter, the guide, the comic relief, the "it will all be better big huge hugger", the ponytail pulling, gap toothed grinning, big hearted brother.

I wonder how much my children remember about him. When he died Austin was 8, Alana and Gavin were 4. Do they remember that he loved them more than anything in the world? Do they know that he would have done anything in the world for them? I know they don't know that he tried so hard to have me give him one of them to raise as his own. And he was completely serious. Does Austin remember all the days that even though Mike was tired he still always made time to take him on a tractor ride, or let him help with something in the garage. Austin thought the sun rose and set in his butt. There was no one in the world that Austin loved more than Mike. He had such a bond with him that I know came from him being one of the few people that were there for me during Austin's first year and the horribleness that it was. If it wasn't for him, mom, and Pat, I wouldn't have survived 1999.

Alana. She says she misses him and remembers things about him. But that is hard for me to believe. When she came around Mike started being missing a lot. He missed so much of Alana & Gavin's lives because of her. Does she remember that he started her nickname Boogerbutt? And how he was always grossed out because of her constantly running nose?

I remember the first day after he had passed. I drove to mom's house and his truck was in the driveway and like it always did, my heart skipped a beat because I was so happy to see my brother (He had just started coming around regularly again) only to realize that it was only his truck. I remember a ton of bad stuff but I am not going to dwell on it. I remember so many good things and the closeness that we had finally regained once she left the picture. I wish to GOD every day that he would have listened to me and left to go to MO to see grandma & grandpa for Thanksgiving. I wish I could have convinced him. I never want to relive that night and thankfully it has become a lot less frequent in the last year. My heart rebreaks everytime that I remember something else or find something else. Every milestone that I make that he never did makes me sad. He never saw 30. he never bought his own house. He never knew the wonder of seeing his first born baby all bloody and ugly. So many things that he never got to do. He always said he would die young. I just wish he had been wrong.

So in tribute to my brother, Michael Ray Haynes, I ask you all to live your life to the fullest because you never know what is going to happen. Dance like no one is watching, Sing like no one is listening, and Love like there is no tomorrow. Because there just might not be.

Forever missing my big brother; Rest in Peace Mikey, 11-22-07. I will never forget.