Ch ch changes!!!
So tomorrow I go back to work full time. I am excited and nervous all at the same time. I am looking forward to being out of the house again. I haven't been in that world for a while and I am super excited!
Two Women
I am not sure why, but each and every year, mother's day is a force to be reckoned with. Sometimes it is a decent day and other days it is overcome with sadness. I love my life and my family but I have a huge hole in my life where my mom is supposed to be. I will never get over losing her. Ever. It does get a little easier but I am a changed woman forever because of her.
This year was especially tough. I lost my 2nd mom Deborah Whitman 2 years ago. Not having either of my moms is as you can imagine, even worse. I know there are people who would probably get mad at me for calling her that but what else am I supposed to call her? When I was growing up, she helped form me and mold me into the person that I am today. She helped me with my struggles with my biological mother and father. She was and is as much as a mom to me as my own. And I mourn her every day just like I do my own mom. She was a fantastic friend, mentor, and mom. I am afraid that parts of her family will be upset with me calling her mom since she didn't birth me. But I have to write this and I hope that I do no irreparable damage to any of our relationships. When I lost my mother Cheryl, I was a wreck and extremely sensitive. I still am where that is concerned so I know that I run a high risk of someone getting mad at me. That is not my intent. I HAVE to express some of MY grief at losing YOUR mom that I shared. So please don't berate me or hate me for this.
I have two women in my life that are the most influential people in my life. I am choosing to write about Debbie first because I have written about mom a lot and I have held off on Debbie for fear of hurting her biological children. It is time I say some things for me and whoever chooses to read this that have LONG been needing said. I was at church today and they were honoring members of the congregation for being such strong women of faith. While I agree with all of them in the church, I have met very few who could hold a candle to the faith that Deborah Whitman had. She was such a lover, giver, and wonderful woman of the Lord. She lived every day thankful for the gifts that He gave her and blessed her with.
I am so blessed to have had this woman that I called Momma Deb or Deb-roo in my life. Losing her shook me to the core. I am never going to get over losing her either.
Cheryl Lynn Haynes... Where to begin. You shaped me into who I am. You and I had some hellacious fights, some fantastically funny laughs, and shared and odd sense of humor. I loved you from the start and to the very end and even more so today since I am a mom of 4 children. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't want you here and in my life. I am terrified that my babies will forget you. I hate that they don't have you in their life to learn from and have as grandma. My life with you changed the entire course of my being. From our teenage fights, to you helping me get through Austin's beginning of life, and oh so much more. You were the most honorable woman. Thoughtful and caring. Crying over a dead frog that we accidentally ran over. Crying when Mike shot his deer. You loved all creatures big and small. All children "good kids" or "trouble makers". You were always there for the underdog.
I am lost most days without you. I hate being so jealous of people who have their mom. I lost both of mine. and way too young. Not as young as some but I still need you every day. It hurts me that you hurt so bad at the end of your life. I hope that you can look down on me and KNOW that I did everything in my power to help you and make sure that you knew you were loved and I did everything that I could to make sure you didn't want for anything. I am comforted in knowing that I put everything out there and did everything up to and including putting my life on hold to take care of you your last year alive. I didn't do it for glory and kudos. I did it because Iloved you more than life itself. I tried every way that I could to make you keep fighting and stay. And I understand that you were tired and couldn't. But I still hurt everyday. and wonder what I could have done different.
People tell me that I am starting to look like you and act like you. I could only hope to be so lucky to be half the woman you were. YOU are the epitome of strength
This year was especially tough. I lost my 2nd mom Deborah Whitman 2 years ago. Not having either of my moms is as you can imagine, even worse. I know there are people who would probably get mad at me for calling her that but what else am I supposed to call her? When I was growing up, she helped form me and mold me into the person that I am today. She helped me with my struggles with my biological mother and father. She was and is as much as a mom to me as my own. And I mourn her every day just like I do my own mom. She was a fantastic friend, mentor, and mom. I am afraid that parts of her family will be upset with me calling her mom since she didn't birth me. But I have to write this and I hope that I do no irreparable damage to any of our relationships. When I lost my mother Cheryl, I was a wreck and extremely sensitive. I still am where that is concerned so I know that I run a high risk of someone getting mad at me. That is not my intent. I HAVE to express some of MY grief at losing YOUR mom that I shared. So please don't berate me or hate me for this.
I have two women in my life that are the most influential people in my life. I am choosing to write about Debbie first because I have written about mom a lot and I have held off on Debbie for fear of hurting her biological children. It is time I say some things for me and whoever chooses to read this that have LONG been needing said. I was at church today and they were honoring members of the congregation for being such strong women of faith. While I agree with all of them in the church, I have met very few who could hold a candle to the faith that Deborah Whitman had. She was such a lover, giver, and wonderful woman of the Lord. She lived every day thankful for the gifts that He gave her and blessed her with.
I am so blessed to have had this woman that I called Momma Deb or Deb-roo in my life. Losing her shook me to the core. I am never going to get over losing her either.
Cheryl Lynn Haynes... Where to begin. You shaped me into who I am. You and I had some hellacious fights, some fantastically funny laughs, and shared and odd sense of humor. I loved you from the start and to the very end and even more so today since I am a mom of 4 children. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't want you here and in my life. I am terrified that my babies will forget you. I hate that they don't have you in their life to learn from and have as grandma. My life with you changed the entire course of my being. From our teenage fights, to you helping me get through Austin's beginning of life, and oh so much more. You were the most honorable woman. Thoughtful and caring. Crying over a dead frog that we accidentally ran over. Crying when Mike shot his deer. You loved all creatures big and small. All children "good kids" or "trouble makers". You were always there for the underdog.
I am lost most days without you. I hate being so jealous of people who have their mom. I lost both of mine. and way too young. Not as young as some but I still need you every day. It hurts me that you hurt so bad at the end of your life. I hope that you can look down on me and KNOW that I did everything in my power to help you and make sure that you knew you were loved and I did everything that I could to make sure you didn't want for anything. I am comforted in knowing that I put everything out there and did everything up to and including putting my life on hold to take care of you your last year alive. I didn't do it for glory and kudos. I did it because Iloved you more than life itself. I tried every way that I could to make you keep fighting and stay. And I understand that you were tired and couldn't. But I still hurt everyday. and wonder what I could have done different.
People tell me that I am starting to look like you and act like you. I could only hope to be so lucky to be half the woman you were. YOU are the epitome of strength
My 100 things I am thankful for
1. Warm Water
2. Warm Weather
3. Toilet paper
4. Austin
5. Alana
6. Gavin
7. Katie
8. Jeremy
9. My family
10. The 28years I had with my mother before losing her
11. The 27 years I had with my oldest brother before he left this world.
12. Good friends
13. a house
14. a good job
15. an excellent boss
16. Sunshine
17. Spring
18. Dr. Pepper
19. Yorkies
20. My backbone
21. My car
22. My health
23. broccoli
24. Running water
25. Electricity
26. Democracy
27. The good relationship I have with my kids
28. The strained relationship I have with some family members (it is better than none, right?)
29. Books
30. Writing
31. My sight
32. Garbage service
33. Blood donation
34. Organ donation
35. The ability of Medical Science to use both.
36. My mother in law
37. A washer
38. A dryer
39. A good sex life
40. Depression medication
41. The telephone
42. Music
43. computers
44. Internet
45. scrapbooking
46. digital scrapbooking
47. Furnaces
48. central air conditioning
49. my hearing
50. An ex husband. (not sarcastic or mean. He taught me a lot about who I am and how to stand up for myself and my kids)
51. The friendship and love that I have with my husband that will take us through anything
52. Friends that have known me since the very beginning
53. Friends that have recently came to be
54. My extended family
55. Opportunities
56. Fountain sodas
57. My bed to sleep in
58. Enough
59.POST IT NOTES!!! (love those little suckers)
60. cookie dough ice cream
61. camera & ability to take ok pictures
62. prayers answered and unanswered
63. karma
64. Girlscouts
65. feminine hygene products
66. liquid stitch
67. divine intervention
68. vacations
69. laughter
70. soap
71. penicillin
72. teachers
73. dentists
74. pretty sunsets
75. Daylight savings time
76. my kids health
77. weekends that Jeremy is home
78. caller ID
79. Facebook
80. Paper towels
81. Towels that are really soft and fluffy
82. Pens that write really nice
83. Automatic transmissions
84. The ability to forgive without forgetting
85. Laptops
86. The opportunity to go to school to get a degree that is way over due
87. Chili
88. Honey Bunches of Oats
89. Friends that are meant to be put into your life for a reason
90. Sleeping in on the weekends
91. The ability to do whatever I want basically
92. nailpolish
93. Tall chunky shoes that are cute
94. birds that make a lot of noise as they are in the trees flying south for the winter
95. My kids ability to adjust
96. God
97. Feeling Him working in my life
98. My ability to write well
99. friends that leave your life for a reason
100. My heart and all the things and people in it and how much it can hold.
2. Warm Weather
3. Toilet paper
4. Austin
5. Alana
6. Gavin
7. Katie
8. Jeremy
9. My family
10. The 28years I had with my mother before losing her
11. The 27 years I had with my oldest brother before he left this world.
12. Good friends
13. a house
14. a good job
15. an excellent boss
16. Sunshine
17. Spring
18. Dr. Pepper
19. Yorkies
20. My backbone
21. My car
22. My health
23. broccoli
24. Running water
25. Electricity
26. Democracy
27. The good relationship I have with my kids
28. The strained relationship I have with some family members (it is better than none, right?)
29. Books
30. Writing
31. My sight
32. Garbage service
33. Blood donation
34. Organ donation
35. The ability of Medical Science to use both.
36. My mother in law
37. A washer
38. A dryer
39. A good sex life
40. Depression medication
41. The telephone
42. Music
43. computers
44. Internet
45. scrapbooking
46. digital scrapbooking
47. Furnaces
48. central air conditioning
49. my hearing
50. An ex husband. (not sarcastic or mean. He taught me a lot about who I am and how to stand up for myself and my kids)
51. The friendship and love that I have with my husband that will take us through anything
52. Friends that have known me since the very beginning
53. Friends that have recently came to be
54. My extended family
55. Opportunities
56. Fountain sodas
57. My bed to sleep in
58. Enough
59.POST IT NOTES!!! (love those little suckers)
60. cookie dough ice cream
61. camera & ability to take ok pictures
62. prayers answered and unanswered
63. karma
64. Girlscouts
65. feminine hygene products
66. liquid stitch
67. divine intervention
68. vacations
69. laughter
70. soap
71. penicillin
72. teachers
73. dentists
74. pretty sunsets
75. Daylight savings time
76. my kids health
77. weekends that Jeremy is home
78. caller ID
79. Facebook
80. Paper towels
81. Towels that are really soft and fluffy
82. Pens that write really nice
83. Automatic transmissions
84. The ability to forgive without forgetting
85. Laptops
86. The opportunity to go to school to get a degree that is way over due
87. Chili
88. Honey Bunches of Oats
89. Friends that are meant to be put into your life for a reason
90. Sleeping in on the weekends
91. The ability to do whatever I want basically
92. nailpolish
93. Tall chunky shoes that are cute
94. birds that make a lot of noise as they are in the trees flying south for the winter
95. My kids ability to adjust
96. God
97. Feeling Him working in my life
98. My ability to write well
99. friends that leave your life for a reason
100. My heart and all the things and people in it and how much it can hold.
4 years
Four years can be a lifetime, a minute, or something in between. For the high school student, four years seems like it will never end. There will be no end to the 4 years of sitting at that desk and taking all those tests. 4 years to the couple waiting to adopt or having fertility issues can seem like a lifetime. Four years, to a mother seems like it is so quick. Four years to a friend whom you haven't spoken to can seem like ages. In a matter of four years, everything that you thought you knew can change and people you thought you knew aren't who you thought. Four years can be the blink of an eye, or eternity.
My four years without my big brother have been the most difficult of my life. On one hand it has went way too fast. My children are so much bigger now than they were four years ago. One wasn't even a twinkle in this mama's eye. I have felt like I have had to forge my way ahead without any guidance or without any sounding board or having the protection you feel from a big "bad" brother.
My life will never be the same without Mike in it. There is an empty spot in my heart and life that will never be filled. He was the tormenter, the guide, the comic relief, the "it will all be better big huge hugger", the ponytail pulling, gap toothed grinning, big hearted brother.
I wonder how much my children remember about him. When he died Austin was 8, Alana and Gavin were 4. Do they remember that he loved them more than anything in the world? Do they know that he would have done anything in the world for them? I know they don't know that he tried so hard to have me give him one of them to raise as his own. And he was completely serious. Does Austin remember all the days that even though Mike was tired he still always made time to take him on a tractor ride, or let him help with something in the garage. Austin thought the sun rose and set in his butt. There was no one in the world that Austin loved more than Mike. He had such a bond with him that I know came from him being one of the few people that were there for me during Austin's first year and the horribleness that it was. If it wasn't for him, mom, and Pat, I wouldn't have survived 1999.
Alana. She says she misses him and remembers things about him. But that is hard for me to believe. When she came around Mike started being missing a lot. He missed so much of Alana & Gavin's lives because of her. Does she remember that he started her nickname Boogerbutt? And how he was always grossed out because of her constantly running nose?
I remember the first day after he had passed. I drove to mom's house and his truck was in the driveway and like it always did, my heart skipped a beat because I was so happy to see my brother (He had just started coming around regularly again) only to realize that it was only his truck. I remember a ton of bad stuff but I am not going to dwell on it. I remember so many good things and the closeness that we had finally regained once she left the picture. I wish to GOD every day that he would have listened to me and left to go to MO to see grandma & grandpa for Thanksgiving. I wish I could have convinced him. I never want to relive that night and thankfully it has become a lot less frequent in the last year. My heart rebreaks everytime that I remember something else or find something else. Every milestone that I make that he never did makes me sad. He never saw 30. he never bought his own house. He never knew the wonder of seeing his first born baby all bloody and ugly. So many things that he never got to do. He always said he would die young. I just wish he had been wrong.
So in tribute to my brother, Michael Ray Haynes, I ask you all to live your life to the fullest because you never know what is going to happen. Dance like no one is watching, Sing like no one is listening, and Love like there is no tomorrow. Because there just might not be.
Forever missing my big brother; Rest in Peace Mikey, 11-22-07. I will never forget.
My four years without my big brother have been the most difficult of my life. On one hand it has went way too fast. My children are so much bigger now than they were four years ago. One wasn't even a twinkle in this mama's eye. I have felt like I have had to forge my way ahead without any guidance or without any sounding board or having the protection you feel from a big "bad" brother.
My life will never be the same without Mike in it. There is an empty spot in my heart and life that will never be filled. He was the tormenter, the guide, the comic relief, the "it will all be better big huge hugger", the ponytail pulling, gap toothed grinning, big hearted brother.
I wonder how much my children remember about him. When he died Austin was 8, Alana and Gavin were 4. Do they remember that he loved them more than anything in the world? Do they know that he would have done anything in the world for them? I know they don't know that he tried so hard to have me give him one of them to raise as his own. And he was completely serious. Does Austin remember all the days that even though Mike was tired he still always made time to take him on a tractor ride, or let him help with something in the garage. Austin thought the sun rose and set in his butt. There was no one in the world that Austin loved more than Mike. He had such a bond with him that I know came from him being one of the few people that were there for me during Austin's first year and the horribleness that it was. If it wasn't for him, mom, and Pat, I wouldn't have survived 1999.
Alana. She says she misses him and remembers things about him. But that is hard for me to believe. When she came around Mike started being missing a lot. He missed so much of Alana & Gavin's lives because of her. Does she remember that he started her nickname Boogerbutt? And how he was always grossed out because of her constantly running nose?
I remember the first day after he had passed. I drove to mom's house and his truck was in the driveway and like it always did, my heart skipped a beat because I was so happy to see my brother (He had just started coming around regularly again) only to realize that it was only his truck. I remember a ton of bad stuff but I am not going to dwell on it. I remember so many good things and the closeness that we had finally regained once she left the picture. I wish to GOD every day that he would have listened to me and left to go to MO to see grandma & grandpa for Thanksgiving. I wish I could have convinced him. I never want to relive that night and thankfully it has become a lot less frequent in the last year. My heart rebreaks everytime that I remember something else or find something else. Every milestone that I make that he never did makes me sad. He never saw 30. he never bought his own house. He never knew the wonder of seeing his first born baby all bloody and ugly. So many things that he never got to do. He always said he would die young. I just wish he had been wrong.
So in tribute to my brother, Michael Ray Haynes, I ask you all to live your life to the fullest because you never know what is going to happen. Dance like no one is watching, Sing like no one is listening, and Love like there is no tomorrow. Because there just might not be.
Forever missing my big brother; Rest in Peace Mikey, 11-22-07. I will never forget.
Great Expectations
I have come to the conclusion that I am putting too many expectations on people and their ability to not hurt me. Unfortunately, there are many flaws with this scenario. Everyone has their own agenda, everyone has their own plans, and everyone has their own demons. I hate feeling hurt and it is taking me a long time to get where I am. I am no where near done healing and I am no where close to perfect. I am just me. I mess up, I do good, I hurt people even though I try my hardest not to, I am trying to be the best wife and mother that I can be.
This past week was very emotional for me. I got to reconnect with a very good friend. We haven't been able to spend much time together for a while again because of hurts. I hurt her and she hurt me and it sucks. But we are still friends and we will be that way forever. It is kind of the ebb and flow of true friendships. I cried leaving her house. Why? I am not 100% sure. It was a happy/sad/longing/reminiscent cry. I miss the days before my life got screwy. I miss the Friday night dinners that we always did. Then I got divorced and things got messy.
I also got to stay with my best friend for a few days while I was back in the old homestate. I miss her as much as I miss my son. It is hard going from seeing her every day (almost) to every couple months.
Friendships are so weird. I have some of the most diverse friendships of anyone I know. I only have a handful of friends that are my age. My 3 best friends are 27, 31, and 41. I also have become very close with a 49 year old and a 66 year old. These friendships have been part of shaping me into who I am today and have been crucial to my life as it were. I have had and lost other friendships that I thought would be forever. Even one of my best friend's friendship may be lost beyond repair.
I have lost friendships for some of the most stupid reasons and some reasons I don't even know why. But the one that puzzles me most is someone who I reconnected with many years ago who I thought I would never see again. Then fate brought us back together. Then again shit got messy. I hit the WORST spot in my life and I HAD to get the hell out of my hometown before I went crazy. And unfortunately I tried to keep her but it didn't work. And she hasn't spoken to me since. And there are so many days that it haunts me. I honestly thought that we would be friends until the end. one of my longest friendships destroyed.
Because of this (in part) I have become very cynical. BUT I do still believe that people are put into your life for a reason. I have met someone who I instantly clicked with. She is quickly becoming very important person in my life. She reminds me a lot of my mom. That is very comforting.
While I was in IL I did get a chance to see one of my brothers and my sister. I tried to see my dad and my other brother but things didn't work out. Again with the 'great expectations'. Gavin had a birthday. He is now 8.
My son got braces on on Oct. 11. It makes me sad because he is growing up way too fast for my liking. They all are. I have always heard people say that you need to "enjoy them while they are young, because it will pass in a blink of an eye". I always thought "they" were exaggerating. They.Weren't. So hug those babies (no matter how old your babies are) and enjoy every moment.
This past week was very emotional for me. I got to reconnect with a very good friend. We haven't been able to spend much time together for a while again because of hurts. I hurt her and she hurt me and it sucks. But we are still friends and we will be that way forever. It is kind of the ebb and flow of true friendships. I cried leaving her house. Why? I am not 100% sure. It was a happy/sad/longing/reminiscent cry. I miss the days before my life got screwy. I miss the Friday night dinners that we always did. Then I got divorced and things got messy.
I also got to stay with my best friend for a few days while I was back in the old homestate. I miss her as much as I miss my son. It is hard going from seeing her every day (almost) to every couple months.
Friendships are so weird. I have some of the most diverse friendships of anyone I know. I only have a handful of friends that are my age. My 3 best friends are 27, 31, and 41. I also have become very close with a 49 year old and a 66 year old. These friendships have been part of shaping me into who I am today and have been crucial to my life as it were. I have had and lost other friendships that I thought would be forever. Even one of my best friend's friendship may be lost beyond repair.
I have lost friendships for some of the most stupid reasons and some reasons I don't even know why. But the one that puzzles me most is someone who I reconnected with many years ago who I thought I would never see again. Then fate brought us back together. Then again shit got messy. I hit the WORST spot in my life and I HAD to get the hell out of my hometown before I went crazy. And unfortunately I tried to keep her but it didn't work. And she hasn't spoken to me since. And there are so many days that it haunts me. I honestly thought that we would be friends until the end. one of my longest friendships destroyed.
Because of this (in part) I have become very cynical. BUT I do still believe that people are put into your life for a reason. I have met someone who I instantly clicked with. She is quickly becoming very important person in my life. She reminds me a lot of my mom. That is very comforting.
While I was in IL I did get a chance to see one of my brothers and my sister. I tried to see my dad and my other brother but things didn't work out. Again with the 'great expectations'. Gavin had a birthday. He is now 8.
My son got braces on on Oct. 11. It makes me sad because he is growing up way too fast for my liking. They all are. I have always heard people say that you need to "enjoy them while they are young, because it will pass in a blink of an eye". I always thought "they" were exaggerating. They.Weren't. So hug those babies (no matter how old your babies are) and enjoy every moment.
Katie Turns 2!
Katelynn Rae born September 7, 2009. weight 7lbs 9oz
Katelynn Rae 2 years September 7, 2011 weight 29lbs
I am still not sure how 2 years has passed. It seems like just yesterday we were waiting for your arrival. You were born absolutely perfect. The sweetest, lovey-est, cuddliest baby girl. And here you are a 2 an absolutely perfect, beautiful, cupcake loving, big brothers & sister annoying, wonderful, ball of energy that LOVES Dora!
You talk constantly and you amaze me with all you know and understand. You have a touch of daddy's temper (HA!) and you have him wrapped around your teeny fingers. Your brothers and sister are probably annoyed with me and all the stuff that you do actually get away with that they never were allowed to. There are perks to being the baby. ;o)
You are very easily frustrated when things aren't going your way or I am not understanding what you are meaning. Thankfully you are very articulate and I can usually understand most of what you say. You have some of the curliest hair that I have ever seen on a baby. I LOVE them! You are starting to like me doing your hair which is cool. Alana likes to do your hair too but I have to watch her after the "incident" with the comb.
Katelynn Rae 2 years September 7, 2011 weight 29lbs
I am still not sure how 2 years has passed. It seems like just yesterday we were waiting for your arrival. You were born absolutely perfect. The sweetest, lovey-est, cuddliest baby girl. And here you are a 2 an absolutely perfect, beautiful, cupcake loving, big brothers & sister annoying, wonderful, ball of energy that LOVES Dora!
You talk constantly and you amaze me with all you know and understand. You have a touch of daddy's temper (HA!) and you have him wrapped around your teeny fingers. Your brothers and sister are probably annoyed with me and all the stuff that you do actually get away with that they never were allowed to. There are perks to being the baby. ;o)
You are very easily frustrated when things aren't going your way or I am not understanding what you are meaning. Thankfully you are very articulate and I can usually understand most of what you say. You have some of the curliest hair that I have ever seen on a baby. I LOVE them! You are starting to like me doing your hair which is cool. Alana likes to do your hair too but I have to watch her after the "incident" with the comb.
Finally Fall or maybe Forget about Fall
When you wake up and it is 49 degrees outside you can't deny that fall is here. I am not ready for cold weather again. It seems like I just got done with winter. But I have to say, it is absolutely adorable watching Katie be chilly and cuddle up under her blanket. She is just too adorable. Corn has been picked in the field behind me, I haven't mowed the grass for about a month now (and I don't have the city on my butt either! lol, and my poor pool hasn't gotten any action for about a month either. So much for thinking that I would get to use it longer here than in IL!
So on for the fall/winter preparations. I have went through Alana & Katie's closet and got rid of most of their obviously summer clothes. Now I need to do Gavin's and Austin's. So right now my bedroom is a hodgepodge of totes, space bags and boxes of clothes, fall decorations, Halloween things, and my general messiness. For the first time in a while I am not dreading fall. It's kind of weird.
I have been working on my new project. It is a home based business.I am not sure what will come out of it but I hope good stuff. I started on my first bigger project. This one is for a friend and I hope to gain a lot of experience with it. I am having fun doing it! I am branching out with a few more things.
So on for the fall/winter preparations. I have went through Alana & Katie's closet and got rid of most of their obviously summer clothes. Now I need to do Gavin's and Austin's. So right now my bedroom is a hodgepodge of totes, space bags and boxes of clothes, fall decorations, Halloween things, and my general messiness. For the first time in a while I am not dreading fall. It's kind of weird.
I have been working on my new project. It is a home based business.I am not sure what will come out of it but I hope good stuff. I started on my first bigger project. This one is for a friend and I hope to gain a lot of experience with it. I am having fun doing it! I am branching out with a few more things.
Holy Homework Batman!
So I finally got off my butt and got registered for school. I found someone who I am comfortable leaving Katie with and so now I had no reason to not go to school. But call me old old-fashioned but WHEN did they start assigning so much homework? It has been pretty ridiculous around my house lately with the sheer amount of pencil to paper crap that has been going on between Gavin & Alana and then adding in my 3 classes? ugh I think we may have already killed of 2 trees. And I have only been in school for about 2 weeks!
But I am doing pretty well other than feeling like I am a senior citizen! I am in one class and there are 3 older than me. 2 fifty somethings, a 70 something and me. The rest are between 18-22. It is ridiculous! I guess that is the majority of college campuses though! :o) Getting a balance between the kids & home life and school & school work has been interesting too. But so far I am making it work. I got a little behind though when Katie decided to squash a matchbox car on my keyboard of my laptop. She shut the lid and it was Awesome!
I was down a computer for about a week while I waited to get the replacement. I had Jeremy help me take apart the computer to remove the old one. Then I actually put it back together by myself!
The kids are doing well in school too. Gavin has an issue with thinking he can't do something. The teacher had sent him home with a book that was about planets and the solar system and he had a tough time with some of the words but he just didn't even want to try to read it. We got through it really well actually. Once I reminded him that he can read at a 4th grade level on some words he was great!
Alana is struggling with math a little bit this year. They are doing more word problems and right now doing rounding and she is having such an issue with that. She is a very exact kinda girl that she is having a rough time wrapping her head around estimating.
Gavin and her decided (at her request) to make a 'Heart Business'. They made and cut out paper hearts and went out to the end of the driveway and started trying to sell them. They actually did sell 2 of them to the neighbors but they had a lot of fun doing it.
Katie started going to her new baby sitter's house on her birthday. I found her on craigslist and she has a almost 3 year old boy and a 9 month old little girl. It is working out really well so far. She is really nice and Katie really likes her and her kids. They all seem to like Katie as well. So hopefully this will work out for the long run. I don't want her to move from person to person. But I also don't want her to be with only me either. She needs to branch out and have some interaction with children her own age. Plus it is working out great for school and also for me to have a little bit of time away from her too.
But I am doing pretty well other than feeling like I am a senior citizen! I am in one class and there are 3 older than me. 2 fifty somethings, a 70 something and me. The rest are between 18-22. It is ridiculous! I guess that is the majority of college campuses though! :o) Getting a balance between the kids & home life and school & school work has been interesting too. But so far I am making it work. I got a little behind though when Katie decided to squash a matchbox car on my keyboard of my laptop. She shut the lid and it was Awesome!
I was down a computer for about a week while I waited to get the replacement. I had Jeremy help me take apart the computer to remove the old one. Then I actually put it back together by myself!
The kids are doing well in school too. Gavin has an issue with thinking he can't do something. The teacher had sent him home with a book that was about planets and the solar system and he had a tough time with some of the words but he just didn't even want to try to read it. We got through it really well actually. Once I reminded him that he can read at a 4th grade level on some words he was great!
Alana is struggling with math a little bit this year. They are doing more word problems and right now doing rounding and she is having such an issue with that. She is a very exact kinda girl that she is having a rough time wrapping her head around estimating.
Gavin and her decided (at her request) to make a 'Heart Business'. They made and cut out paper hearts and went out to the end of the driveway and started trying to sell them. They actually did sell 2 of them to the neighbors but they had a lot of fun doing it.
Katie started going to her new baby sitter's house on her birthday. I found her on craigslist and she has a almost 3 year old boy and a 9 month old little girl. It is working out really well so far. She is really nice and Katie really likes her and her kids. They all seem to like Katie as well. So hopefully this will work out for the long run. I don't want her to move from person to person. But I also don't want her to be with only me either. She needs to branch out and have some interaction with children her own age. Plus it is working out great for school and also for me to have a little bit of time away from her too.
Sharing a funny with y'all
So way back when, when I was in the process of getting divorced I had a funny thing happen to me. I have always been a barefoot girl.I detest wearing shoes and when spring comes around my feet breath a sigh of relief. So knowing this, I always had an extra pair of shoes or flip flops in my car or trunk somewhere.
One particular morning, my (then) husband had called me and we had gotten into a fight and I was running late to get the kiddos to daycare and school and I run out the door to the sitters house. I got there and since she was a friend as well, I was kinda giving her the short version of what happened, then became even more agitated. I told her I had to leave and get my butt to work before I got fired. So I go ahead and head to work.
Once I got to work, I realize my major faux pas. I have no shoes on my feet. I about died of embarrassment. But I also remembered that I had a pair in my trunk. So I get looking and looking. And I couldn't find anything. Not a single pair. Not even a pair of socks!!! So now I am freaking out because my boss is in the office. Some background, it was a very small company and we were more like family for the most part, but this boss sometimes got very angry.
I had to go in and fess up right away obviously. I am seriously dying of embarrassment at having to tell him something so redneckish! I mean who in the hell actually forgets their shoes on their way to WORK? I told him, "We have a problem. There are two ways that we can deal with it and whatever you want is what I will do. I forgot my shoes and normally I have an extra pair or two of flip flops or shoes in the car but there are none!" about this time he starts DYING laughing! so I continued, "You can either send me home to get the shoes or you can let me work without any shoes!" We had a LOT of laughs that day and many more to come in my 12 years of employment with them. (He chose to let me work without shoes).
The most hilarious part of all of this is that I had two bosses, a father and son. I was a lot closer to the son than the father but on this particular day, the son was on his once a year vacation in Colorado with his family. I even had to call him and tell him. It was one of the most memorable times in my years there. Since then I haven't forgotten my shoes one time!
One particular morning, my (then) husband had called me and we had gotten into a fight and I was running late to get the kiddos to daycare and school and I run out the door to the sitters house. I got there and since she was a friend as well, I was kinda giving her the short version of what happened, then became even more agitated. I told her I had to leave and get my butt to work before I got fired. So I go ahead and head to work.
Once I got to work, I realize my major faux pas. I have no shoes on my feet. I about died of embarrassment. But I also remembered that I had a pair in my trunk. So I get looking and looking. And I couldn't find anything. Not a single pair. Not even a pair of socks!!! So now I am freaking out because my boss is in the office. Some background, it was a very small company and we were more like family for the most part, but this boss sometimes got very angry.
I had to go in and fess up right away obviously. I am seriously dying of embarrassment at having to tell him something so redneckish! I mean who in the hell actually forgets their shoes on their way to WORK? I told him, "We have a problem. There are two ways that we can deal with it and whatever you want is what I will do. I forgot my shoes and normally I have an extra pair or two of flip flops or shoes in the car but there are none!" about this time he starts DYING laughing! so I continued, "You can either send me home to get the shoes or you can let me work without any shoes!" We had a LOT of laughs that day and many more to come in my 12 years of employment with them. (He chose to let me work without shoes).
The most hilarious part of all of this is that I had two bosses, a father and son. I was a lot closer to the son than the father but on this particular day, the son was on his once a year vacation in Colorado with his family. I even had to call him and tell him. It was one of the most memorable times in my years there. Since then I haven't forgotten my shoes one time!
About to get interesting!!
Just a quick post because this is getting stuck in my head and I think I need to get it out before it swallows what is left of my brain. So things on my plate this week that I am not comfortable with:
1. Katie will be being watched by someone other than Pat.
2. I am starting school (some of the classes started on Monday)
3. One of the classes is online and it is in a format that I am really not familiar with.
4. I have a business venture that I am working on and wanted to get going this weekend.
5. I need to get my calendar organized before I forget something.
6. My medications that have IMMENSELY helped with everything else make me VERY forgetful.(not good when I was already.)
So that is my week in a nutshell. So wish me luck. The classes that I am taking are Math (UGH), American Popular Culture, and English Composition II.
English is the one that I am taking online. So we'll see!!! :o) Excited but nervous too.
1. Katie will be being watched by someone other than Pat.
2. I am starting school (some of the classes started on Monday)
3. One of the classes is online and it is in a format that I am really not familiar with.
4. I have a business venture that I am working on and wanted to get going this weekend.
5. I need to get my calendar organized before I forget something.
6. My medications that have IMMENSELY helped with everything else make me VERY forgetful.(not good when I was already.)
So that is my week in a nutshell. So wish me luck. The classes that I am taking are Math (UGH), American Popular Culture, and English Composition II.
English is the one that I am taking online. So we'll see!!! :o) Excited but nervous too.
My LA, Katie
Yesterday I took my Katie along with Gavin and Alana to a neighbors baby's first birthday party. They had an 18 foot water slide!
Gavin & Alana had a blast going down the slide. Katie not so much. I took her down once and another friend did too and she was less than impressed. She was much more content to play on the swingset with another little girl that was there.
She is such a character! If I had a dollar for every time someone said how cute or adorable she was yesterday I wouldn't be having financial issues!
I do not know how my baby has become a toddler/preschooler! This two years has flown and she sure didn't stay little long. I held a little boy yesterday that is 1.5 yrs old but is super teeny and it really made me miss the little girl cuddles that I used to get from Katie. But I do get some cuddles still! And now I get Lushh ewww's from her too. (I love you's in case you don't speak Katie) She is talking up a storm and just about every day she comes up with more words/phrases that she can say.
**To my fellow blog hoppers, I am sorry this isn't much. I don't do so well on short notice and this is the 2nd Sunday that Jeremy has had off in about a month and a half so I need to be present and accounted for with him or it could get ugly lol**
Gavin & Alana had a blast going down the slide. Katie not so much. I took her down once and another friend did too and she was less than impressed. She was much more content to play on the swingset with another little girl that was there.
She is such a character! If I had a dollar for every time someone said how cute or adorable she was yesterday I wouldn't be having financial issues!
I do not know how my baby has become a toddler/preschooler! This two years has flown and she sure didn't stay little long. I held a little boy yesterday that is 1.5 yrs old but is super teeny and it really made me miss the little girl cuddles that I used to get from Katie. But I do get some cuddles still! And now I get Lushh ewww's from her too. (I love you's in case you don't speak Katie) She is talking up a storm and just about every day she comes up with more words/phrases that she can say.
**To my fellow blog hoppers, I am sorry this isn't much. I don't do so well on short notice and this is the 2nd Sunday that Jeremy has had off in about a month and a half so I need to be present and accounted for with him or it could get ugly lol**
Yay!!!
Oh So HAPPY!!! I am officially down 8lbs since I moved here right about a month ago! And this was me weighing in at 3pm! So if I would have weighed myself this morning it probably would have been even less! :o) I am SO happy you have no idea! I am only 6lbs away from where I was when I got pregnant with Katie and 28lbs away from where I want to be ideally for my short term goal. (by the start of Fall) Wonder why it is starting to come off? I have been more active. But I really haven't changed a lot on my diet, and sadly, I haven't been excersizing all that consistently. ANY way it is going off and I am ecstatic!
Church
So, I went to church today. hmmm I am not sure what to think. I really liked everyone that I met and talked to. It is a pretty relaxed atmosphere for the most part (more to come on that in a few) and everyone was very welcoming and inviting. I started out the day at Sunday school, which I really liked (this was the first time going for me) because it got in depth on some parts of the bible. Today was mostly Genisis and God creating everything. I figured that is a great place for me to start and coincidentally it was what they were discussing today. Pam, the pastor's wife, was there again welcoming me with open arms. It is really weird for me with that. I don't know why really but it is. We were talking before class started and she actually got tears in her eyes. I am not sure why and I didn't know how to react. So I pretended like I didn't notice...I don't know if that is the right response or not but it is what it is.
Then it was time for (I don't remember the name of this part ) small group thing. It is basically a meeting of about 30 min from what I can tell of prayer requests and getting to know one another. Ours lasted about 15 minutes and the leaders were a girl that I have seen around town with the kids karate class (she has 2 kids a boy and a girl) and her husband. She is super nice and has a purple streak in her hair. Her son about 7 or so has a mohawk. So she seems to be someone that isn't intimidating to me. Her husband also helps lead. He also smokes. That was kinda nice too, to know that others wanted to have a "smoke break" too since I have yet to kick the habit. So score 2 for making me feel more at ease.
On to service. This is where I got kinda uncomfortable. Everything up until this point had been WONDERFUL. So I am not sure what the difference was. To start off, they have a band. two guitars, a keyboard, a set of drums, and two singers. That was REALLY cool. It wasn't just the normal hymns. It was done with a lot of flair and passion. I was really liking it and everyone was kinda singing along. Then people got up and started swaying and dancing either in their spots in the pews or in the aisle. 2nd weird thing. I saw two people (husband and wife about my age) that were both barefoot. They both had shoes with them but not on their feet. This is not a hippie church by any means. It has the regular older people you expect to find in church, a good majority of my age people, quite a bit of kids & teens. But there were a lot of people that were wearing jeans & tshirts. (very cool in my opinion. I hate the fashion show, women must wear dresses or skirts part of church. Then people started praying out loud during the service. ( I was thinking wth?? lol)
The head pastor started doing his sermon and he is a VERY passionate man. I love how everyone really seemed to feel what they were being preached to about and really feeling the Lord. Then people got kinda louder during parts of his sermon. Then he choked up a few times, then started talking about his past as an alcoholic and a bunch of stuff that was really nice to know but it was just pretty weird. I am not sure if this is how most churches are since I only have a spattering of knowledge of most churches. But it seems that they may be more of a "hallelujah!!!" type church than I expected based on my few experiences with them. I really am not comfortable at all with the "wave your arms in the air if you feel JESUS", sing at the top of your lungs, shout AMEN to EVERYTHING that the pastor says, roll around on the floor, exuberant churches. I may have gotten myself into one of them. BUT that being said; I did not do any of the above. And I did not feel anyone staring at me like I had two heads either. And I would definitely take this church over some that I have been in that are way stuffy and OMG you are not wearing a dress/skirt/suit and tie. I was not the only one who was sitting thru most of the service and I was not the only one who was NOT dancing in the aisle and I was not the only one who just listened and took what I could from the service.
So on a whole, my experience today was pretty positive. The negatives; possibly a "holy roller" type church, and a LONG service. It was about an hour of music before the service actually started, then about an hour for the pastor to preach.
Then it was time for (I don't remember the name of this part ) small group thing. It is basically a meeting of about 30 min from what I can tell of prayer requests and getting to know one another. Ours lasted about 15 minutes and the leaders were a girl that I have seen around town with the kids karate class (she has 2 kids a boy and a girl) and her husband. She is super nice and has a purple streak in her hair. Her son about 7 or so has a mohawk. So she seems to be someone that isn't intimidating to me. Her husband also helps lead. He also smokes. That was kinda nice too, to know that others wanted to have a "smoke break" too since I have yet to kick the habit. So score 2 for making me feel more at ease.
On to service. This is where I got kinda uncomfortable. Everything up until this point had been WONDERFUL. So I am not sure what the difference was. To start off, they have a band. two guitars, a keyboard, a set of drums, and two singers. That was REALLY cool. It wasn't just the normal hymns. It was done with a lot of flair and passion. I was really liking it and everyone was kinda singing along. Then people got up and started swaying and dancing either in their spots in the pews or in the aisle. 2nd weird thing. I saw two people (husband and wife about my age) that were both barefoot. They both had shoes with them but not on their feet. This is not a hippie church by any means. It has the regular older people you expect to find in church, a good majority of my age people, quite a bit of kids & teens. But there were a lot of people that were wearing jeans & tshirts. (very cool in my opinion. I hate the fashion show, women must wear dresses or skirts part of church. Then people started praying out loud during the service. ( I was thinking wth?? lol)
The head pastor started doing his sermon and he is a VERY passionate man. I love how everyone really seemed to feel what they were being preached to about and really feeling the Lord. Then people got kinda louder during parts of his sermon. Then he choked up a few times, then started talking about his past as an alcoholic and a bunch of stuff that was really nice to know but it was just pretty weird. I am not sure if this is how most churches are since I only have a spattering of knowledge of most churches. But it seems that they may be more of a "hallelujah!!!" type church than I expected based on my few experiences with them. I really am not comfortable at all with the "wave your arms in the air if you feel JESUS", sing at the top of your lungs, shout AMEN to EVERYTHING that the pastor says, roll around on the floor, exuberant churches. I may have gotten myself into one of them. BUT that being said; I did not do any of the above. And I did not feel anyone staring at me like I had two heads either. And I would definitely take this church over some that I have been in that are way stuffy and OMG you are not wearing a dress/skirt/suit and tie. I was not the only one who was sitting thru most of the service and I was not the only one who was NOT dancing in the aisle and I was not the only one who just listened and took what I could from the service.
So on a whole, my experience today was pretty positive. The negatives; possibly a "holy roller" type church, and a LONG service. It was about an hour of music before the service actually started, then about an hour for the pastor to preach.
Nerves
after my other post Holy Moly you would think that my nerves would be used to being frazzled and not knowing what is next. But alas, not so much. Tomorrow I am going to start going to church for the first time in a long time. I haven't ever had a church "home". I had a couple churches that I have went to and really liked, one I really felt connected to, then I got divorced and went away from it I guess for fear that I would be shamed out of it and was in a really bad spot in my life. So I have now went almost 6 years without going. Since Alana has been going quite frequently with her dad and grandma since we split up, I promised her once we got settled here that I would find a church and we would go so that she could still go and still do her Awana's program and she would still have that. She LOVES going to church. She loves the songs, the people, she loves God. period. Which is awesome. So I have to do what I can to help her along with that. But in doing that, I am also again stepping out of my comfort zone (big time) into the unknown for me.
When we went to Awanas on Wednesday, I talked to one of the pastors wife's. She was really nice and very inviting. I was very honest with her and I hope that pays off and doesn't come back to bite me in the butt. I have never really went to church with any regularity at all. My mom went until the day she got married, then never went back. I am not sure why but she didn't. She always said that they were going to leave it up to us to decide if/when/where we went but as Mrs. Pam (pastor's wife) said, that is like leaving it up to children to go to school or not. I really don't want my kids to not feel comfortable going so we hopefully will find a good church home here and then if they disagree with what they are taught when they get older they can make the decision to not go or go somewhere different. We are starting at a non denominational church. It is WAY out in the country but has a pretty good congregation from what I can tell. There are 3 sets of pastors. The head pastor and his wife, the associate pastor and his wife (Mrs. Pam) and the youth pastor and his wife. They have quite a few child oriented programs and they also have a few different Sunday schools plus the regular service. Everyone that I have met so far has been what I want. Friendly, inviting, non judgemental. I hope that this goes well tomorrow. I think I may leave Katie at home with Jeremy for my first couple times. I think that will help me get more comfortable. I hate feeling like my kids are misbehaving when in fact they are just being kids. I need to see how other people's kids act in church before I let mine into the mess lol. I always feel so self conscious.
So taking my leap of faith (pun intended) and starting a church. I will let you know how it goes!
When we went to Awanas on Wednesday, I talked to one of the pastors wife's. She was really nice and very inviting. I was very honest with her and I hope that pays off and doesn't come back to bite me in the butt. I have never really went to church with any regularity at all. My mom went until the day she got married, then never went back. I am not sure why but she didn't. She always said that they were going to leave it up to us to decide if/when/where we went but as Mrs. Pam (pastor's wife) said, that is like leaving it up to children to go to school or not. I really don't want my kids to not feel comfortable going so we hopefully will find a good church home here and then if they disagree with what they are taught when they get older they can make the decision to not go or go somewhere different. We are starting at a non denominational church. It is WAY out in the country but has a pretty good congregation from what I can tell. There are 3 sets of pastors. The head pastor and his wife, the associate pastor and his wife (Mrs. Pam) and the youth pastor and his wife. They have quite a few child oriented programs and they also have a few different Sunday schools plus the regular service. Everyone that I have met so far has been what I want. Friendly, inviting, non judgemental. I hope that this goes well tomorrow. I think I may leave Katie at home with Jeremy for my first couple times. I think that will help me get more comfortable. I hate feeling like my kids are misbehaving when in fact they are just being kids. I need to see how other people's kids act in church before I let mine into the mess lol. I always feel so self conscious.
So taking my leap of faith (pun intended) and starting a church. I will let you know how it goes!
Holy moly!
Wow the changes that have happened in the last month. Whew. I am tired just thinking about all that I have done. Happy and sad too but done. I finally have all most of the house put together. Living room is mostly done including decorations and a new (to me) couch and coffee table and rug that we got from someone who was moving out of their house around here. He said they were bought 5 months ago and they are AWESOME! so pretty and pretty cheap too! (LOVE that!) I have gotten rid of some a TON of stuff since I have been here. I think I have hoarder tendencies (thanks mom! lol) and that combined with not having a garage here and not having a basement here vs having both in IL really came to a head. I don't know where I put everything. But I am making progress and getting receipts so hopefully it will help next year with tax time. Now that I have quite a bit less (still a work in progress obviously) I do think I may try to sell some stuff.
I can't wait to have a little bit more done so I have time and have things a little more organized so that I can scrapbook a little again. I have so many things that i want to do now that I have time. I do miss being in IL a little bit though. I miss Austin so much. It seems like he is having so much fun with Jason (which is good but still painful) but it just seems like he doesn't miss me at all. That makes my heart hurt. I worry about Alana too. She misses Jason and Austin a lot. It is getting a little easier for her now that she has been in school and is starting to know some kids in the neighborhood. She is ecstatic. The little boy (11) and little girl (9) next door are back now from vacation and her and Alana are BEST FRIENDS already. It was so sweet. We went down the street yesterday and they were skipping and holding hands. OH MY was that cute. I am SO happy that they are here too. They just moved here a month before us so I think they are gonna be buddies. Gavin and the boy hit it off pretty good too. Gavin misses Austin a lot. They played all the time and he hasn't found too many little boys here yet.
I am starting to figure out where everything is with the exception of one stupid intersection. I can NEVER go the way I want to go on the first try! I love going to Kentucky for groceries! They have no food tax. So anything that you can eat/ingest you don't pay tax on. It is awesome. I miss Culver's the closest one is in Bowling Green and I haven't made it that far yet. There are 3 Pizza places here that I have seen, 2 chinese places, a couple little restaurants, hardee's, McDonald's and a Subway I wasn't too impressed with. Oh and Arby's. I wish there was a place like Raber's around here. But no go yet. Maybe in Bowling Green or Madison. I have met quite a few new people (obviously). The lady across the street has 2 little girls (4 & 7 months). She is nice. Then one of Alana's new friends Kylie came down the other day with her mom. That was kinda cool. She is nice too. I can't believe the differences between people there and here. Down here everyone! is super friendly. I mean like walk up to you even though they have no idea who you are and start up a conversation friendly. So hopefully I will be able to make friends. I signed up for a moms group for me and Katie. I don't know if I am still "in" or not since I haven't been able to go yet. :o(
So I am finding out that paperwork when you move to a different state SUCKS! I can't get my drivers license changed until I get a copy (has to be a CERTIFIED copy) of BOTH my marriage licenses, a certified copy of my birth certificate, mail that comes to my name to my new house (I have NOTHING in my name anymore lol) and I think 4 other things PLUS my underwear & bra size!!! (just kidding about that last part but that is what it feels like!) Went to take Katie & Gavin to the dr, and THAT was a nightmare. They haven't gotten their insurance card yet and aren't in the system yet. In IL they would have seen them anyway & billed me for the appointment which I would have turned in to insurance after I got the card. NOOOOO that would be too easy here. They told me to pay them (fine whatever but I can't do it for 3 kids with what they wanted me to pay them) wouldn't bill me or see the kiddos with out either. Then the kids were being kids and we ended up waiting almost an hour to get seen. UGH So glad I don't have to do that today.
I can't wait to have a little bit more done so I have time and have things a little more organized so that I can scrapbook a little again. I have so many things that i want to do now that I have time. I do miss being in IL a little bit though. I miss Austin so much. It seems like he is having so much fun with Jason (which is good but still painful) but it just seems like he doesn't miss me at all. That makes my heart hurt. I worry about Alana too. She misses Jason and Austin a lot. It is getting a little easier for her now that she has been in school and is starting to know some kids in the neighborhood. She is ecstatic. The little boy (11) and little girl (9) next door are back now from vacation and her and Alana are BEST FRIENDS already. It was so sweet. We went down the street yesterday and they were skipping and holding hands. OH MY was that cute. I am SO happy that they are here too. They just moved here a month before us so I think they are gonna be buddies. Gavin and the boy hit it off pretty good too. Gavin misses Austin a lot. They played all the time and he hasn't found too many little boys here yet.
I am starting to figure out where everything is with the exception of one stupid intersection. I can NEVER go the way I want to go on the first try! I love going to Kentucky for groceries! They have no food tax. So anything that you can eat/ingest you don't pay tax on. It is awesome. I miss Culver's the closest one is in Bowling Green and I haven't made it that far yet. There are 3 Pizza places here that I have seen, 2 chinese places, a couple little restaurants, hardee's, McDonald's and a Subway I wasn't too impressed with. Oh and Arby's. I wish there was a place like Raber's around here. But no go yet. Maybe in Bowling Green or Madison. I have met quite a few new people (obviously). The lady across the street has 2 little girls (4 & 7 months). She is nice. Then one of Alana's new friends Kylie came down the other day with her mom. That was kinda cool. She is nice too. I can't believe the differences between people there and here. Down here everyone! is super friendly. I mean like walk up to you even though they have no idea who you are and start up a conversation friendly. So hopefully I will be able to make friends. I signed up for a moms group for me and Katie. I don't know if I am still "in" or not since I haven't been able to go yet. :o(
So I am finding out that paperwork when you move to a different state SUCKS! I can't get my drivers license changed until I get a copy (has to be a CERTIFIED copy) of BOTH my marriage licenses, a certified copy of my birth certificate, mail that comes to my name to my new house (I have NOTHING in my name anymore lol) and I think 4 other things PLUS my underwear & bra size!!! (just kidding about that last part but that is what it feels like!) Went to take Katie & Gavin to the dr, and THAT was a nightmare. They haven't gotten their insurance card yet and aren't in the system yet. In IL they would have seen them anyway & billed me for the appointment which I would have turned in to insurance after I got the card. NOOOOO that would be too easy here. They told me to pay them (fine whatever but I can't do it for 3 kids with what they wanted me to pay them) wouldn't bill me or see the kiddos with out either. Then the kids were being kids and we ended up waiting almost an hour to get seen. UGH So glad I don't have to do that today.
well, its official!
Things are starting to change. I am now a stay at home mom. I have just about 2 weeks left in IL. It was hard leaving my job for the last time. It was sweet and scary and happy and sad all at the same time. I love my work family and I don't know what I am gonna do not going there every day. But I get to be with my actual family now more too. So I am excited about that. 11 1/2 years is a long time to be somewhere. So on to the next chapter.
I have a good bunch of stuff already packed up and in Tennessee. Making all kinds of lists. Lord help me if I lose my little notebook. I will be lost. I checked into a ton of stuff in our new town. It is a good sized town of about 10,000 people. Has 3 or 4 parks a bunch of schools, 2 grocery stores and all the usual little stores. The kids school that they will be going to is brand new. (well 2 years old) so I think that will be cool. Everything is all new.
I am a bunch of nerves though. Jeremy is going to be working quite a bit so I am afraid that I will get lonely since my efforts of trying to get Pat and Del to come have fallen flat. So I have made a list of all the things that I wanted to do for the last few years and I fully intend on doing them! And if all that gets done and boring, I am going to go back to school. I would love to do some photography stuff as well but I need to learn some more about lighting and just everything in general. That would be very cool if I could start something like that.
Austin is getting so big and mature. (well in some areas not so much in the bodily function part. MAN that kid can fart!) He is looking forward to starting school in Pekin. I still can't find the 2011-2012 calendar online anywhere yet. BOOOOO I want to plan things! I finally made him get a hair cut. It was getting pretty rough.
Alana. Little girl. Big girl. So not ready for the next few years. I hope that you stay sweet and good forever. I remember my teen years with my mom and they were really not pleasant. We got to take a walk today with Katie. That was really fun. I miss hanging out with you and plan on starting again real soon. Dad wants to spend more time with you before we go. So actually all this week I am gonna let him come get you after school so you guys can hang out too.
Gavin is gavin. What else can I say? He still is doing well in school, loves going. Loves being right. And is missing his daddy. He has on the whole been really good since Jeremy has been gone. You are kinda a flighty little boy. Your head is God only knows where most days. You amaze me at how well you have picked up roller skating. You have only went twice but you are going around so good!! I am thinking that I am going to have to keep going with you guys. You really like it too!
Katelynn. My little Katie that isn't too little anymore. You are constantly growing and changing. You are getting so frustrated when I don't understand what your little noises and looks mean. And TEMPER! sheesh girl. Cut me some slack okay? You are starting to tell me when you need your diaper changed. So once we get settled, guess what we are gonna start? Along with getting you off your bottle. Sorry chick! It was really hard to get you to drink cows milk, start taking a bottle, and apparently going to be hard to get you off the bottle and to drink cold milk. (yes, I still bow to your wishes [for fear of getting milk spit on me, which you do!] and heat up your bottle. You also say nigh nigh, and run to your crib and try to crawl in when you are ready for bed. That is really nice. I hope you keep that habit!!
I thank God every day for my kids and their health. A friend's great nephew is on life support right now. I just saw the little guy on Friday. His parents brought him into see my coworker after getting his shots. He developed a high fever that night and was taken to the hospital. He has no brain activity and they are just waiting for whatever before they let him go and donate his organs. Poor little guy was just 4 months old. He had been born early (like 6 weeks or so). He had a rough little life. But he was perfectly happy and healthy when I saw him. I was talking to him, and cooing at him, and loving on him and he was smiling back and talking to me. So very tragic. I cannot even begin to imagine what his poor parents are going thru. May God have mercy on his parents and keep him held close to Him. Things can change so very fast. May you rest in peace little Carson.
I have a good bunch of stuff already packed up and in Tennessee. Making all kinds of lists. Lord help me if I lose my little notebook. I will be lost. I checked into a ton of stuff in our new town. It is a good sized town of about 10,000 people. Has 3 or 4 parks a bunch of schools, 2 grocery stores and all the usual little stores. The kids school that they will be going to is brand new. (well 2 years old) so I think that will be cool. Everything is all new.
I am a bunch of nerves though. Jeremy is going to be working quite a bit so I am afraid that I will get lonely since my efforts of trying to get Pat and Del to come have fallen flat. So I have made a list of all the things that I wanted to do for the last few years and I fully intend on doing them! And if all that gets done and boring, I am going to go back to school. I would love to do some photography stuff as well but I need to learn some more about lighting and just everything in general. That would be very cool if I could start something like that.
Austin is getting so big and mature. (well in some areas not so much in the bodily function part. MAN that kid can fart!) He is looking forward to starting school in Pekin. I still can't find the 2011-2012 calendar online anywhere yet. BOOOOO I want to plan things! I finally made him get a hair cut. It was getting pretty rough.
Alana. Little girl. Big girl. So not ready for the next few years. I hope that you stay sweet and good forever. I remember my teen years with my mom and they were really not pleasant. We got to take a walk today with Katie. That was really fun. I miss hanging out with you and plan on starting again real soon. Dad wants to spend more time with you before we go. So actually all this week I am gonna let him come get you after school so you guys can hang out too.
Gavin is gavin. What else can I say? He still is doing well in school, loves going. Loves being right. And is missing his daddy. He has on the whole been really good since Jeremy has been gone. You are kinda a flighty little boy. Your head is God only knows where most days. You amaze me at how well you have picked up roller skating. You have only went twice but you are going around so good!! I am thinking that I am going to have to keep going with you guys. You really like it too!
Katelynn. My little Katie that isn't too little anymore. You are constantly growing and changing. You are getting so frustrated when I don't understand what your little noises and looks mean. And TEMPER! sheesh girl. Cut me some slack okay? You are starting to tell me when you need your diaper changed. So once we get settled, guess what we are gonna start? Along with getting you off your bottle. Sorry chick! It was really hard to get you to drink cows milk, start taking a bottle, and apparently going to be hard to get you off the bottle and to drink cold milk. (yes, I still bow to your wishes [for fear of getting milk spit on me, which you do!] and heat up your bottle. You also say nigh nigh, and run to your crib and try to crawl in when you are ready for bed. That is really nice. I hope you keep that habit!!
I thank God every day for my kids and their health. A friend's great nephew is on life support right now. I just saw the little guy on Friday. His parents brought him into see my coworker after getting his shots. He developed a high fever that night and was taken to the hospital. He has no brain activity and they are just waiting for whatever before they let him go and donate his organs. Poor little guy was just 4 months old. He had been born early (like 6 weeks or so). He had a rough little life. But he was perfectly happy and healthy when I saw him. I was talking to him, and cooing at him, and loving on him and he was smiling back and talking to me. So very tragic. I cannot even begin to imagine what his poor parents are going thru. May God have mercy on his parents and keep him held close to Him. Things can change so very fast. May you rest in peace little Carson.
Life changes
So generally I don't make resolutions. I am of the mind that if you make them you will break them. I don't know very many people who can actually keep them longer than 3 months or so. But my goal for 2011 is to actually start showing everyone and really believing that I am an adult, pretty, and worth it. I have struggled with self esteem issues forever it seems. But I am going to try really hard to change that this year. I am now 31 and I don't know how much older I have to get before I am an adult!!! I know that I am and I do all the things but in my mind I am still a teenager that needs everyone's approval. But reality check. My mom was first diagnosed with cancer when she was 10 years older than me. Ten years from where I sit right now, and she was fighting for her life. That is a really big eye opener. I know that I have made a lot of people really mad in the last year. I am working to make my peace with that. I do feel justified, but I also am really starting to not care. I have realized that they don't care that I have been unhappy. (at least not enough to know why or to do anything about it) I think I am just a very fleeting passing thought to all but a handful of people. And ya know what? I am getting ok with that. I have made some decisions with my life and the lives of my kids and Jeremy that I know there are a lot of people that are going to start casting their opinions. BUT my new motto/mantra that I have really been trying to use in 2010- Never make someone a priority when you are only an option to them. And since that has been my mantra, my life has gotten very quiet. I know that I am not making the effort to keep in touch with a lot of people but that is ok. THEY aren't making the effort to me. And sorry, but if you have to ask me how things are going then you don't really know anything about me and I am not going any further with that conversation.
Sorry, got a little sidetracked. So back to the non resolution. I fully intend on getting myself out of this high school / teenager rut. I am going to start dressing like I am a 31 year old mama who is worth putting the money into for new clothes that fit me and my current body nicely, make up that isn't 5 years old, and under things that make me feel pretty. Jeremy tells me that I am beautiful and pretty all the time. I am going to let him start convincing me until I actually start believing him. I have to get over the fact of not wanting to justify spending a little on me. Not that I am going to start blowing an entire pay check or anything but I am going to let go of the feeling selfish and the feeling like I am taking it away from my family. I am going to even further align my love and devotion to Jeremy and my kids. He has been through so much with me. I would not have survived the last few years without him. I know that he isn't what everyone thinks that he should be. He is outspoken, sometimes rude, sometimes crude, and kinda hot tempered along with being the black sheep in his family. BUT. He is also loving, sweet, devoted, a great father, the best friend I could hope to have, and everything I need in my life. He makes me feel wonderfully loved and worth everything. He is there for me through everything and I have no doubts that he would do whatever it takes to make my life better and more comfortable. And yes, he has also made a lot of people mad too but he has also stood up for me and been the asshole that he is because of some of the hurts that he has seen people put me through. So I am going to do the same for him more than I have ever in the past. He is my partner, my teammate, my love and my completeness. The last 5 years have been so effortless really. He is so easy to love and so everything that I need. He knows ME and he loves me even though I fly off the handle at him every now and again and he oknows when to tell me to shut up and when to just take it until I apologize. So I am renewing my commitment to him and my grown up, adult, partnering, parenting life.
I am also going to spend my next 30 years trying to do the things that I have wanted to do and let myself be happy. I spend way too much time over the last 30 concerned with what people think and what they want me to do and how I can make them happy. I know that sounds selfish but I have been so far away from me and what I wanted I have to do this. What I have been doing obviously isn't working considering my depression and general unhappiness. I deserve to pursue whatever I feel could make me feel better and happy. I know how ingrained my pleasing people nature is and I am not going to be able to ever let that go. I know that I will still keep other peoples opinions and feelings in check and with me with the decisions I make so I will not be as selfish as I either perceive them to think I am or they think I am.
I am actually quite scared about the next chapter in my life. I am going to be starting it out in an entirely different state with an entirely different job. I am leaving the only job I really have known to be at home with Katie since Jeremy's job is going to keep him with longer hours. So I am going to be home taking care of all that and our kids. I don't know how that is going to go since it is a job I have basically no experience at. I have stayed home with the kids for all of about 3 months total. 1 month when Austin was a baby and 2 months when I had Katie while I was recouperating from my csection. Like with any new job there is a lot of apprehension. I know I can take care of my kids. I am good at being a mom. but I will not have any of the things I know. But I am doing my research. Learning about what is around the couple towns we have looked at for things like the library for story times, boyscouts for gavin, brownies for alana.
It is looking like it will be towards the end of February when we will be ready to be there. Now we just have to find someplace to go down there. And I will have a lot of adjusting to do. Austin is going to stay here with Jason. I am so on a fence about that. I know that Jason will be good to him but it is so hard to think about NOT having him everyday. But I have had him for almost 12 years now. and he wants to stay wiht Jason really bad. He is even really looking forward to starting school in Pekin next year. I hope that this is the right decision for him. Of course Alana is mad. She wants to stay too. But I really think she needs to be with me. I hate having to make this choice but this could be a great opportunity and I really feel a strong pull that that is where I am supposed to be. I have prayed about it a lot and I keep getting little signs that this is where I should be going.
Somehow my youngest is now 16 months old. How we got here I don't know because this year has been such a blur. She is talking, walking, running, yelling, saying WOOOOOWWWW, and generally getting into everything that I have tried to keep out of her reach. Now that she can climb, I am losing the battle. She is such a happy little girl most of the time.
Alana is getting so big. Too big for her own good. I think I am gonna call her Miss Independent. 2nd grade most of the way through. Such a big heart and so much love for everyone and everything. She amazes me all the time with her personality. She is really getting funny! Quirky sense of humor and loving to try to make people laugh. So sweet
Gavin is doing GREAT in school. I had the best conference I have ever had with any of my kids with his teacher this year. He is so smart. Reading at a 3-4th grade level already, math in about the same range. I would not be surprised one bit if he ends up skipping ahead to 2nd or 3rd next year. Way to go bud!!! Now if you can put some of that smarts to not driving your mother nuts, it would be greatly appreciated.
Austin....What am I supposed to do without you? I haven't ever not had you with me everyday. It scares me to have you so far away even though it really isn't that far. You are getting so big and mature. I know you want to be with your dad but let me tell you. It really stung when you said so. But I will always welcome you back at anytime. I love you so much. I have to let you try this for you. I trust your dad to make good decisions for you even though they will probably not be the same ones I would make. He loves you and knows you and will do good for you.
My family, close, extended and otherwise. I know you don't agree with all the decisions that I have made and am making. That is ok. Please try to keep in mind that you got to make your own choices to get where you are today. Some right, some wrong. But they are YOUR choices that YOU chose for your path to life. Please let me do the same and still show me that you love me. Too many people in my life get angered or annoyed with my choices and instead of still showing love, get almost hostile. I can't take it and I won't.
Sorry, got a little sidetracked. So back to the non resolution. I fully intend on getting myself out of this high school / teenager rut. I am going to start dressing like I am a 31 year old mama who is worth putting the money into for new clothes that fit me and my current body nicely, make up that isn't 5 years old, and under things that make me feel pretty. Jeremy tells me that I am beautiful and pretty all the time. I am going to let him start convincing me until I actually start believing him. I have to get over the fact of not wanting to justify spending a little on me. Not that I am going to start blowing an entire pay check or anything but I am going to let go of the feeling selfish and the feeling like I am taking it away from my family. I am going to even further align my love and devotion to Jeremy and my kids. He has been through so much with me. I would not have survived the last few years without him. I know that he isn't what everyone thinks that he should be. He is outspoken, sometimes rude, sometimes crude, and kinda hot tempered along with being the black sheep in his family. BUT. He is also loving, sweet, devoted, a great father, the best friend I could hope to have, and everything I need in my life. He makes me feel wonderfully loved and worth everything. He is there for me through everything and I have no doubts that he would do whatever it takes to make my life better and more comfortable. And yes, he has also made a lot of people mad too but he has also stood up for me and been the asshole that he is because of some of the hurts that he has seen people put me through. So I am going to do the same for him more than I have ever in the past. He is my partner, my teammate, my love and my completeness. The last 5 years have been so effortless really. He is so easy to love and so everything that I need. He knows ME and he loves me even though I fly off the handle at him every now and again and he oknows when to tell me to shut up and when to just take it until I apologize. So I am renewing my commitment to him and my grown up, adult, partnering, parenting life.
I am also going to spend my next 30 years trying to do the things that I have wanted to do and let myself be happy. I spend way too much time over the last 30 concerned with what people think and what they want me to do and how I can make them happy. I know that sounds selfish but I have been so far away from me and what I wanted I have to do this. What I have been doing obviously isn't working considering my depression and general unhappiness. I deserve to pursue whatever I feel could make me feel better and happy. I know how ingrained my pleasing people nature is and I am not going to be able to ever let that go. I know that I will still keep other peoples opinions and feelings in check and with me with the decisions I make so I will not be as selfish as I either perceive them to think I am or they think I am.
I am actually quite scared about the next chapter in my life. I am going to be starting it out in an entirely different state with an entirely different job. I am leaving the only job I really have known to be at home with Katie since Jeremy's job is going to keep him with longer hours. So I am going to be home taking care of all that and our kids. I don't know how that is going to go since it is a job I have basically no experience at. I have stayed home with the kids for all of about 3 months total. 1 month when Austin was a baby and 2 months when I had Katie while I was recouperating from my csection. Like with any new job there is a lot of apprehension. I know I can take care of my kids. I am good at being a mom. but I will not have any of the things I know. But I am doing my research. Learning about what is around the couple towns we have looked at for things like the library for story times, boyscouts for gavin, brownies for alana.
It is looking like it will be towards the end of February when we will be ready to be there. Now we just have to find someplace to go down there. And I will have a lot of adjusting to do. Austin is going to stay here with Jason. I am so on a fence about that. I know that Jason will be good to him but it is so hard to think about NOT having him everyday. But I have had him for almost 12 years now. and he wants to stay wiht Jason really bad. He is even really looking forward to starting school in Pekin next year. I hope that this is the right decision for him. Of course Alana is mad. She wants to stay too. But I really think she needs to be with me. I hate having to make this choice but this could be a great opportunity and I really feel a strong pull that that is where I am supposed to be. I have prayed about it a lot and I keep getting little signs that this is where I should be going.
Somehow my youngest is now 16 months old. How we got here I don't know because this year has been such a blur. She is talking, walking, running, yelling, saying WOOOOOWWWW, and generally getting into everything that I have tried to keep out of her reach. Now that she can climb, I am losing the battle. She is such a happy little girl most of the time.
Alana is getting so big. Too big for her own good. I think I am gonna call her Miss Independent. 2nd grade most of the way through. Such a big heart and so much love for everyone and everything. She amazes me all the time with her personality. She is really getting funny! Quirky sense of humor and loving to try to make people laugh. So sweet
Gavin is doing GREAT in school. I had the best conference I have ever had with any of my kids with his teacher this year. He is so smart. Reading at a 3-4th grade level already, math in about the same range. I would not be surprised one bit if he ends up skipping ahead to 2nd or 3rd next year. Way to go bud!!! Now if you can put some of that smarts to not driving your mother nuts, it would be greatly appreciated.
Austin....What am I supposed to do without you? I haven't ever not had you with me everyday. It scares me to have you so far away even though it really isn't that far. You are getting so big and mature. I know you want to be with your dad but let me tell you. It really stung when you said so. But I will always welcome you back at anytime. I love you so much. I have to let you try this for you. I trust your dad to make good decisions for you even though they will probably not be the same ones I would make. He loves you and knows you and will do good for you.
My family, close, extended and otherwise. I know you don't agree with all the decisions that I have made and am making. That is ok. Please try to keep in mind that you got to make your own choices to get where you are today. Some right, some wrong. But they are YOUR choices that YOU chose for your path to life. Please let me do the same and still show me that you love me. Too many people in my life get angered or annoyed with my choices and instead of still showing love, get almost hostile. I can't take it and I won't.
Happy-ness (My things that make me happy)
After yesterday's angry post, I want you all to know that I am not angry all the time. I have lots of things that I am thankful for and lots of things that aren't things that make me happy on a daily basis. SO since you all read yesterdays, here is a dose of my happiness.
1. Cuddling with my 11 year old. I never thought that he would still want to crawl up onto my lap and let me hold him and rub his back while talking about things he did when he was small.
2. Seeing the pride that is in Alana and Gavin's eyes when they show me their papers from school that they got back from the teacher with either a 100% or a sticker or a smiley face.
3. Playing peekaboo with Katelynn. She is SO much fun.
4. Coming home after working all day and having ALL my kids rush to greet me, and even little miss Emily "flower" yelling Anny's home!! Anny's home!!!
5. Pat. She has been through so much crap with me and yet she still loves me. She is my kids Other Mother. If she hadn't been in my life all this time, I wouldn't be where I am today.
6. I am thankful that we have a roof over our head, and food in the refrigerator, and clothes on our backs.
7. I am VERY thankful that Jeremy hasn't had any issues thus far driving back and forth between here and TN every other weekend.
8. Jeremy...He is my rock, my love, and my forever. I wouldn't have been able to have made it through the last 4 years with out him. He was what kept me grounded going thru the most horrible years of my life. He knows all my deep dark secrets, desires, and even the ones that I shouldn't think and he still loves me and shows me that every day.
9. I am so blessed to have all of my family healthy and content. We may not see eye to eye on most things but they are mine and I am glad that they are ok.
10. I love when my kids are all happy and content with each other and not fighting and just playing together. (It is rare but when it happens I truly enjoy it)
11. Movie night!! We all pick a movie (Well they do) and Austin makes popcorn, we have our blankets and pillows all over the living room floor and we cuddle and watch whatever it is.
12. Driving my car. I know this sounds materialistic and probably pretty stupid, but I don't get to drive it except one day every other weekend. And I LOVE my car. probably way more than I should. But it is mine and I have worked hard to have it and I miss it. (now if I can just get Jeremy to wash it so it doesn't look so crappy when it comes back....)
13. Hearing one of my favorite songs just start playing when I get in the car to leave to go home so I get to hear the WHOLE thing.
Those are a few of the things that make me happy. What makes YOU happy?
1. Cuddling with my 11 year old. I never thought that he would still want to crawl up onto my lap and let me hold him and rub his back while talking about things he did when he was small.
2. Seeing the pride that is in Alana and Gavin's eyes when they show me their papers from school that they got back from the teacher with either a 100% or a sticker or a smiley face.
3. Playing peekaboo with Katelynn. She is SO much fun.
4. Coming home after working all day and having ALL my kids rush to greet me, and even little miss Emily "flower" yelling Anny's home!! Anny's home!!!
5. Pat. She has been through so much crap with me and yet she still loves me. She is my kids Other Mother. If she hadn't been in my life all this time, I wouldn't be where I am today.
6. I am thankful that we have a roof over our head, and food in the refrigerator, and clothes on our backs.
7. I am VERY thankful that Jeremy hasn't had any issues thus far driving back and forth between here and TN every other weekend.
8. Jeremy...He is my rock, my love, and my forever. I wouldn't have been able to have made it through the last 4 years with out him. He was what kept me grounded going thru the most horrible years of my life. He knows all my deep dark secrets, desires, and even the ones that I shouldn't think and he still loves me and shows me that every day.
9. I am so blessed to have all of my family healthy and content. We may not see eye to eye on most things but they are mine and I am glad that they are ok.
10. I love when my kids are all happy and content with each other and not fighting and just playing together. (It is rare but when it happens I truly enjoy it)
11. Movie night!! We all pick a movie (Well they do) and Austin makes popcorn, we have our blankets and pillows all over the living room floor and we cuddle and watch whatever it is.
12. Driving my car. I know this sounds materialistic and probably pretty stupid, but I don't get to drive it except one day every other weekend. And I LOVE my car. probably way more than I should. But it is mine and I have worked hard to have it and I miss it. (now if I can just get Jeremy to wash it so it doesn't look so crappy when it comes back....)
13. Hearing one of my favorite songs just start playing when I get in the car to leave to go home so I get to hear the WHOLE thing.
Those are a few of the things that make me happy. What makes YOU happy?
Why does it even bother me?
So, lots of things are going on. Things for me feel like they are going in the right direction, a good direction. But apparently I have really rattled some cages. My dad is barely speaking to me and I can only chalk it up to our decision to move to Tennessee. My ex husband is no longer speaking to me either. And I am fairly sure that there are more people than that that are irritated by that.
Our wedding day was Friday Oct. 8, 2010 at 1:15 pm. We were at the courthouse with a judge and my "dress" for the day was jeans, a beautiful purple blouse, and a grey cardigan (?). And Jeremy was in a plaid green shirt and nice dress pants. It was definetely NOT the wedding day that I had wanted or imagined for my 2nd wedding but, I can't say that I regret any of it. Except now I feel a little silly going ahead with my big wedding in May like we had planned. But by the same token, I have my dress, Alana's dress, the site reserved, the deposit paid onthe photographer and already had so many things planned out.
Now we are officially married, we had Friday, Saturday, and Sunday together and he is headed back to Tennessee as we speak. I HATE him being gone. I don't like being by myself with the kids, I don't like going to bed without him, I don't like not waking up with him in the morning. But right now I feel like we are so stuck where we are. We have to go to court to get approval (Win the right!) to take Austin and Alana out of state. And since my ex will not even TALK to me about a different type of schedule for him and them, I have only 2 choices and one isn't even a choice. I can move and let him have custody (SO NOT GONNA HAPPEN) or I can pay a shitload of money (again) to my attorney to take this to court. I understand WHY he is doing this. I mean I get the fact that it is a really bad thing for him to have forced upon him. But...he can't keep me here, and I was going to make it as good as I could for him. So we are left getting the money together to pay to the attorney (who is awesome btw). But he told me that it could take up to 7-8 months to get it before a judge. So it will be probably next summer before we are there.
Then you have my family...I don't even know where to begin. (and if you are family reading this you had BETTER keep it to yourself or you will be blocked from seeing all my personal stuff!) I understand that my dad doesn't want me to leave either. I get that. I truly do. But do you get that this is bettering my life and situation? Do you understand that this is a big opportunity for Jeremy along with being somewhere I have always wanted to be? Do you understand that it is fairly sudden but that is how opportunity is? You have to make a choice one way or the other. Damned if you do, damned if you don't. I just wish that you would support me even though you may not agree with my decision. YOU are the one that said that you can't make my decision for me, so please don't get weird and distant when I make the decision that you said you couldn't make for me. (even though it was apparently the wrong one in your opinion)
Who does this? We had Gavin's party on Sunday. Yes it was shorter notice. about a week and a half. But with everything that I had to get done this weekend, (2 birthday parties for Gavin {one at the bowling alley for his friends from school and one at our house for family}, a marriage on Friday that only 3 people were at besides our children, and Jeremy and I wanting to spend a little time together before he went back) I didn't have too much time to really get it all done. Oh yea, cuz in case you can't remember I do work full time....every day....and I do girlscouts with alana...and I have a 13 month old who gets into everything and when you don't bother to childproof your house, why would I bring them there for you to yell at?...and do you have any idea exactly HOW much homework 3 children can bring home in ONE night? Each one of them has DAILY spelling words, usually a math worksheet or two, a book to read for class, a book to read for the AR program, Sentences to write out for spelling words and usually a few other pieces. How long has it been since you have listened to a 7 year old read a book? especially one with chapters? or one that is JUST now learning most words? How bout going back to 6th grade Math? with a child who is failing math? and every other class that he is in? But I digress. I have ooooodles of spare time to come visit, write on your calendar, call to remind you of a date and time, and sometimes even pick you up because you don't have a liscense...because YOU found time to go to a bar, get drunk, drive, and get caught thankfully without killing anyone... So in all that spare time, I didn't call but you know what????
I had a 7 year old who was wondering why only his babysitter and gma and gpa showed up for his birthday....how sad is that? We had a good time anyway, but he was still pretty hurt that no one else showed up. SO a big fat kiss my ass to any of you who say that I never come and visit. or I never call... You should be ashamed of how you made that little boy feel. And all because you are in a tizzy over a decision that you said you couldn't make for me. Or how you felt I did something wrong by not doing exactly as you thought I should have.
Oh yea, and to my newest father in law. YOU are an effin prick. Your son wanted to show you our marriage certificate and you said not one word to him. And then you wonder why we don't see you. Or maybe you don't. I don't really care one way or the other. I am in love with your son, we are making a life together with or without you in it. Thanks btw for being able to show up for 20 min to see your oldest grandson on the day of his party. He liked the toy and card but probably would have liked to see you. But you were busy. Had to get to the Rivermen game...But so glad you could fit it in.
One last one. I miss my love. I hate the fact that we got just about one day with each other after our wedding. I am ready to be in Tennessee so if anyone wants to contribute to the "he should have learned last time fund" call me! :)
Oh and a big PS... IF you call me and yell at me or just randomly gripe at me I probably won't answer my phone as often as you would like. I don't like being made to feel crappy or hearing the bullshit and MY phone is for MY convenience NOT yours. Have a good day!
Our wedding day was Friday Oct. 8, 2010 at 1:15 pm. We were at the courthouse with a judge and my "dress" for the day was jeans, a beautiful purple blouse, and a grey cardigan (?). And Jeremy was in a plaid green shirt and nice dress pants. It was definetely NOT the wedding day that I had wanted or imagined for my 2nd wedding but, I can't say that I regret any of it. Except now I feel a little silly going ahead with my big wedding in May like we had planned. But by the same token, I have my dress, Alana's dress, the site reserved, the deposit paid onthe photographer and already had so many things planned out.
Now we are officially married, we had Friday, Saturday, and Sunday together and he is headed back to Tennessee as we speak. I HATE him being gone. I don't like being by myself with the kids, I don't like going to bed without him, I don't like not waking up with him in the morning. But right now I feel like we are so stuck where we are. We have to go to court to get approval (Win the right!) to take Austin and Alana out of state. And since my ex will not even TALK to me about a different type of schedule for him and them, I have only 2 choices and one isn't even a choice. I can move and let him have custody (SO NOT GONNA HAPPEN) or I can pay a shitload of money (again) to my attorney to take this to court. I understand WHY he is doing this. I mean I get the fact that it is a really bad thing for him to have forced upon him. But...he can't keep me here, and I was going to make it as good as I could for him. So we are left getting the money together to pay to the attorney (who is awesome btw). But he told me that it could take up to 7-8 months to get it before a judge. So it will be probably next summer before we are there.
Then you have my family...I don't even know where to begin. (and if you are family reading this you had BETTER keep it to yourself or you will be blocked from seeing all my personal stuff!) I understand that my dad doesn't want me to leave either. I get that. I truly do. But do you get that this is bettering my life and situation? Do you understand that this is a big opportunity for Jeremy along with being somewhere I have always wanted to be? Do you understand that it is fairly sudden but that is how opportunity is? You have to make a choice one way or the other. Damned if you do, damned if you don't. I just wish that you would support me even though you may not agree with my decision. YOU are the one that said that you can't make my decision for me, so please don't get weird and distant when I make the decision that you said you couldn't make for me. (even though it was apparently the wrong one in your opinion)
Who does this? We had Gavin's party on Sunday. Yes it was shorter notice. about a week and a half. But with everything that I had to get done this weekend, (2 birthday parties for Gavin {one at the bowling alley for his friends from school and one at our house for family}, a marriage on Friday that only 3 people were at besides our children, and Jeremy and I wanting to spend a little time together before he went back) I didn't have too much time to really get it all done. Oh yea, cuz in case you can't remember I do work full time....every day....and I do girlscouts with alana...and I have a 13 month old who gets into everything and when you don't bother to childproof your house, why would I bring them there for you to yell at?...and do you have any idea exactly HOW much homework 3 children can bring home in ONE night? Each one of them has DAILY spelling words, usually a math worksheet or two, a book to read for class, a book to read for the AR program, Sentences to write out for spelling words and usually a few other pieces. How long has it been since you have listened to a 7 year old read a book? especially one with chapters? or one that is JUST now learning most words? How bout going back to 6th grade Math? with a child who is failing math? and every other class that he is in? But I digress. I have ooooodles of spare time to come visit, write on your calendar, call to remind you of a date and time, and sometimes even pick you up because you don't have a liscense...because YOU found time to go to a bar, get drunk, drive, and get caught thankfully without killing anyone... So in all that spare time, I didn't call but you know what????
I had a 7 year old who was wondering why only his babysitter and gma and gpa showed up for his birthday....how sad is that? We had a good time anyway, but he was still pretty hurt that no one else showed up. SO a big fat kiss my ass to any of you who say that I never come and visit. or I never call... You should be ashamed of how you made that little boy feel. And all because you are in a tizzy over a decision that you said you couldn't make for me. Or how you felt I did something wrong by not doing exactly as you thought I should have.
Oh yea, and to my newest father in law. YOU are an effin prick. Your son wanted to show you our marriage certificate and you said not one word to him. And then you wonder why we don't see you. Or maybe you don't. I don't really care one way or the other. I am in love with your son, we are making a life together with or without you in it. Thanks btw for being able to show up for 20 min to see your oldest grandson on the day of his party. He liked the toy and card but probably would have liked to see you. But you were busy. Had to get to the Rivermen game...But so glad you could fit it in.
One last one. I miss my love. I hate the fact that we got just about one day with each other after our wedding. I am ready to be in Tennessee so if anyone wants to contribute to the "he should have learned last time fund" call me! :)
Oh and a big PS... IF you call me and yell at me or just randomly gripe at me I probably won't answer my phone as often as you would like. I don't like being made to feel crappy or hearing the bullshit and MY phone is for MY convenience NOT yours. Have a good day!
Katelynn 9 months
We went to the doctor today. I thought you were going to get shots. Nope none for you today!! So happy for that. You are 18 lbs, 27 in and just a great baby overall. Doing really well with your developement. You clap, wave bye, talk like crazy, scream on a daily basis, you have started to growl too! I tell people you are part pit bull since you growl so much and also like to chew on things. So cute and (one of)the love(s) of my life!
I didn't take your 8 month picture or your 9 month picture on your month birthday. OOOps! oh well, it isn't like I don't take a gazillion pics of you anyway!
I didn't take your 8 month picture or your 9 month picture on your month birthday. OOOps! oh well, it isn't like I don't take a gazillion pics of you anyway!
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