I am not sure why, but each and every year, mother's day is a force to be reckoned with. Sometimes it is a decent day and other days it is overcome with sadness. I love my life and my family but I have a huge hole in my life where my mom is supposed to be. I will never get over losing her. Ever. It does get a little easier but I am a changed woman forever because of her.
This year was especially tough. I lost my 2nd mom Deborah Whitman 2 years ago. Not having either of my moms is as you can imagine, even worse. I know there are people who would probably get mad at me for calling her that but what else am I supposed to call her? When I was growing up, she helped form me and mold me into the person that I am today. She helped me with my struggles with my biological mother and father. She was and is as much as a mom to me as my own. And I mourn her every day just like I do my own mom. She was a fantastic friend, mentor, and mom. I am afraid that parts of her family will be upset with me calling her mom since she didn't birth me. But I have to write this and I hope that I do no irreparable damage to any of our relationships. When I lost my mother Cheryl, I was a wreck and extremely sensitive. I still am where that is concerned so I know that I run a high risk of someone getting mad at me. That is not my intent. I HAVE to express some of MY grief at losing YOUR mom that I shared. So please don't berate me or hate me for this.
I have two women in my life that are the most influential people in my life. I am choosing to write about Debbie first because I have written about mom a lot and I have held off on Debbie for fear of hurting her biological children. It is time I say some things for me and whoever chooses to read this that have LONG been needing said. I was at church today and they were honoring members of the congregation for being such strong women of faith. While I agree with all of them in the church, I have met very few who could hold a candle to the faith that Deborah Whitman had. She was such a lover, giver, and wonderful woman of the Lord. She lived every day thankful for the gifts that He gave her and blessed her with.
I am so blessed to have had this woman that I called Momma Deb or Deb-roo in my life. Losing her shook me to the core. I am never going to get over losing her either.
Cheryl Lynn Haynes... Where to begin. You shaped me into who I am. You and I had some hellacious fights, some fantastically funny laughs, and shared and odd sense of humor. I loved you from the start and to the very end and even more so today since I am a mom of 4 children. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't want you here and in my life. I am terrified that my babies will forget you. I hate that they don't have you in their life to learn from and have as grandma. My life with you changed the entire course of my being. From our teenage fights, to you helping me get through Austin's beginning of life, and oh so much more. You were the most honorable woman. Thoughtful and caring. Crying over a dead frog that we accidentally ran over. Crying when Mike shot his deer. You loved all creatures big and small. All children "good kids" or "trouble makers". You were always there for the underdog.
I am lost most days without you. I hate being so jealous of people who have their mom. I lost both of mine. and way too young. Not as young as some but I still need you every day. It hurts me that you hurt so bad at the end of your life. I hope that you can look down on me and KNOW that I did everything in my power to help you and make sure that you knew you were loved and I did everything that I could to make sure you didn't want for anything. I am comforted in knowing that I put everything out there and did everything up to and including putting my life on hold to take care of you your last year alive. I didn't do it for glory and kudos. I did it because Iloved you more than life itself. I tried every way that I could to make you keep fighting and stay. And I understand that you were tired and couldn't. But I still hurt everyday. and wonder what I could have done different.
People tell me that I am starting to look like you and act like you. I could only hope to be so lucky to be half the woman you were. YOU are the epitome of strength
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