Life changes

So generally I don't make resolutions. I am of the mind that if you make them you will break them. I don't know very many people who can actually keep them longer than 3 months or so. But my goal for 2011 is to actually start showing everyone and really believing that I am an adult, pretty, and worth it.  I have struggled with self esteem issues forever it seems. But I am going to try really hard to change that this year. I am now 31 and I don't know how much older I have to get before I am an adult!!!   I know that I am and I do all the things but in my mind I am still a teenager that needs everyone's approval. But reality check. My mom was first diagnosed with cancer when she was 10 years older than me. Ten years from where I sit right now, and she was fighting for her life. That is a really big eye opener. I know that I have made a lot of people really mad in the last year. I am working to make my peace with that. I do feel justified, but I also am really starting to not care. I have realized that they don't care that I have been unhappy. (at least not enough to know why or to do anything about it) I think I am just a very fleeting passing thought to all but a handful of people.  And ya know what?  I am getting ok with that. I have made some decisions with my life and the lives of my kids and Jeremy that I know there are a lot of people that are going to start casting their opinions. BUT my new motto/mantra that I have really been trying to use in 2010- Never make someone a  priority when you are only an option to them.  And since that has been my mantra, my life has gotten very quiet. I know that I am not making the effort to keep in touch with a lot of people but that is ok. THEY aren't making the effort to me. And sorry, but if you have to ask me how things are going then you don't really know anything about me and I am not going any further with that conversation.

Sorry, got a little sidetracked. So back to the non resolution. I fully intend on getting myself out of this high school / teenager rut. I am going to start dressing like I am a 31 year old mama who is worth putting the money into for new clothes that fit me and my current body nicely, make up that isn't 5 years old, and under things that make me feel pretty.  Jeremy tells me that I am beautiful and pretty all the time. I am going to let him start convincing me until I actually start believing him.  I have to get over the fact of not wanting to justify spending a little on me. Not that I am going to start blowing an entire pay check or anything but I am going to let go of the feeling selfish and the feeling like I am taking it away from my family.  I am going to even further align my love and devotion to Jeremy and my kids. He has been through so much with me. I would not have survived the last few years without him. I know that he isn't what everyone thinks that he should be. He is outspoken, sometimes rude, sometimes crude, and kinda hot tempered along with being the black sheep in his family. BUT.  He is also loving, sweet, devoted, a great father, the best friend I could hope to have, and everything I need in my life. He makes me feel wonderfully loved and worth everything. He is there for me through everything and I have no doubts that he would do whatever it takes to make my life better and more comfortable. And yes, he has also made a lot of people mad too but he has also stood up for me and been the asshole that he is because of some of the hurts that he has seen people put me through.  So I am going to do the same for him more than I have ever in the past. He is my partner, my teammate, my love and my completeness. The last 5 years have been so effortless really. He is so easy to love and so everything that I need. He knows ME and he loves me even though I fly off the handle at him every now and again and he oknows when to tell me to shut up and when to just take it until I apologize.  So I am renewing my commitment to him and my grown up, adult, partnering, parenting life.

I am also going to spend my next 30 years trying to do the things that I have wanted to do and let myself be happy. I spend way too much time over the last 30 concerned with what people think and what they want me to do and how I can make them happy. I know that sounds selfish but I have been so far away from me and what I wanted I have to do this. What I have been doing obviously isn't working considering my depression and general unhappiness. I deserve to pursue whatever I feel could make me feel better and happy. I know how ingrained my pleasing people nature is and I am not going to be able to ever let that go. I know that I will still keep other peoples opinions and feelings in check and with me with the decisions I make so I will not be as selfish as I either perceive them to think I am or they think I am.

I am actually quite scared about the next chapter in my life. I am going to be starting it out in an entirely different state with an entirely different job. I am leaving the only job I really have known to be at home with Katie since Jeremy's job is going to keep him with longer hours. So I am going to be home taking care of all that and our kids. I don't know how that is going to go since it is a job I have basically no experience at.  I have stayed home with the kids for all of about 3 months total. 1 month when Austin was a baby and 2 months when I had Katie while I was recouperating from my csection. Like with any new job there is a lot of apprehension.  I know I can take care of my kids. I am good at being a mom. but I will not have any of the things I know. But I am doing my research. Learning about what is around the couple towns we have looked at for things like the library for story times, boyscouts for gavin, brownies for alana.

It is looking like it will be towards the end of February when we will be ready to be there. Now we just have to find someplace to go down there. And I will have a lot of adjusting to do. Austin is going to stay here with Jason. I am so on a fence about that. I know that Jason will be good to him but it is so hard to think about NOT having him everyday. But I have had him for almost 12 years now. and he wants to stay wiht Jason really bad. He is even really looking forward to starting school in Pekin next year. I hope that this is the right decision for him. Of course Alana is mad. She wants to stay too. But I really think she needs to be with me.  I hate having to make this choice but this could be a great opportunity and I really feel a strong pull that that is where I am supposed to be. I have prayed about it a lot and I keep getting little signs that this is where I should be going.

Somehow my youngest is now 16 months old.  How we got here I don't know because this year has been such a blur.  She is talking, walking, running, yelling, saying WOOOOOWWWW, and generally getting into everything that I have tried to keep out of her reach. Now that she can climb, I am losing the battle. She is such a happy little girl most of the time.

Alana is getting so big. Too big for her own good. I think I am gonna call her Miss Independent. 2nd grade most of the way through. Such a big heart and so much love for everyone and everything. She amazes me all the time with her personality. She is really getting funny! Quirky sense of humor and loving to try to make people laugh. So sweet

Gavin is doing GREAT in school. I had the best conference I have ever had with any of my kids with his teacher this year. He is so smart. Reading at a 3-4th grade level already, math in about the same range. I would not be surprised one bit if he ends up skipping ahead to 2nd or 3rd next year. Way to go bud!!! Now if you can put some of that smarts to not driving your mother nuts, it would be greatly appreciated.

Austin....What am I supposed to do without you? I haven't ever not had you with me everyday. It scares me to have you so far away even though it really isn't that far. You are getting so big and mature. I know you want to be with your dad but let me tell you. It really stung when you said so.  But I will always welcome you back at anytime. I love you so much. I have to let you try this for you. I trust your dad to make good decisions for you even though they will probably not be the same ones I would make. He loves you and knows you and will do good for you.

My family, close, extended and otherwise. I know you don't agree with all the decisions that I have made and am making. That is ok. Please try to keep in mind that you got to make your own choices to get where you are today. Some right, some wrong. But they are YOUR choices that YOU chose for your path to life. Please let me do the same and still show me that you love me. Too many people in my life get angered or annoyed with my choices and instead of still showing love, get almost hostile. I can't take it and I won't.