house that built me~ Miranda Lambert

The house that built me  This song says so much in a few short minutes. I have listened to it and listened to it and it is just one of those songs that I probably could listen to for an entire day then even the next day.  It seems to be me. I feel very broken lately. Could be because of not being on my meds for depression, could be because my hormones aren't regulated yet, or a combination of both, but I think more likely that it has to do with mother's day coming up.  I am really struggling lately with me and my life without my mom and brother. My life has changed so much. I want my old life back.



I have been so meloncholy lately that it really bugs me. I miss my mom so much it hurts.  I have started to call her a few times here lately. I haven't done that for a long time. I miss my family that used to be. We all used to be (feel) so close. and that is missing now. I think about all the stuff that is going on  in my life. Then I think how little my siblings really know about what is going on in my life. My family used to know exactly what each one of us was doing at all times, even if we didn't see one another. Losing my mom seems to have pretty well broken up my family. And that makes me unbelievably sad. I just miss the feeling of unity that I had 4 years ago. And what is even worse is I don't know if I could or even want to try to have it back.




What I want is my life BACK. That is why I think this song touches a nerve. I feel the same way about my mom and dad's house. It isn't anything to write home about but I remember when I was getting divorced and my kids were with their dad, I wouldn't be able to sleep or stand the quiet, I would go to their house (even in the middle of the night) and feel ok. I don't have any idea how I would have been able to go thru that time in my life without them or that house. I would lay on her couch and be able to finally go to sleep even though I had tried everything at my own house. It has always been a huge comfort. It was my HOME regardless of where I was living at that time. I don't feel that as much anymore. I think mom being gone took the spirit of the house with her.  I miss having that comfort and security of knowing that my mom always had my back and no matter how bad I messed up, her and the house would always be there to catch me and dry my tears.  or work out the problem that was plaguing me.








So no. I am not really looking forward to mothers day. It has never really been about me anyway. Yes I am a mother, and I put on a good face for Jeremy and the kids but I honestly wish that the day didn't exist. It makes me so sad to think what most people take for granted. This is my 2nd mother's day without her (well 3rd actually since she died before mothers day in 2008 but I was in such a broken state that year it didn't count).  And I wish that I didn't have to think about celebrating. I know Jeremy and the kids mean well but they have NO idea how bad it hurts to have to put on a happy face for them. I really just want to stay in my bedroom all day and cry for her and all the things I miss about her and relive all the times that we had and all the times that I took for granted.




I always told her that she needed to be here for me and that I wasn't done needing her yet. How true that has turned out to be. Somedays, I feel so alone.